Have you ever watched the one that you love suffer in pain? Have you watched them cringe to move and struggle to sleep? Have you listened as they talk about how useless that they feel because they cannot do the things that they need to do anymore? Have you watched the joy in their face disappear and be replaced with agony? Did you ever wish that it was you instead? This is what life is like in our home now. This is what life is for Michael now.
Since the day I moved in, and later married Michael, he was the wage earner. I was the stay-at-home mom and wife. Contrary to the belief of many people, HE wanted it that way. It sounds a bit old fashioned in today’s world, but that is what we agreed on. Until my health got bad, it worked out pretty well. Sure, we struggled a little from time to time financially. In today’s economy who doesnt? A situation like this wasnt without its own contradicting feelings. Michael often wished that he had more time at home, and I often wished that I could get out and go more. Be careful what you wish for!
After we moved to North Carolina, Michael started his new job and was working full throttle. I slowly regained some life back as well as a little weight. We were both living good and doing what we gotta do until one rainy night in February 2016. I was sitting on my couch talking to my mother who was visiting, when out of the blue I got a text from Michael saying that he got hurt. My first thought was that he couldnt be hurt that bad if he was able to text me. Let’s just say that my first thought….well it was SO wrong!
He was terribly bruised and could hardly move his right side. The smiling face that left me going to work that day was gone. He had to use me as a human crutch. I had to help him change his clothes, help him walk, drive him to and from Dr appointments. I often wondered what life was like for him when I was so sick. Now I am getting the picture. Trust me, it sure isnt a pretty one. I would have been perfectly fine laying around sick like I had been the last few years rather than see him go through this. I wish so badly I could take the pain away.
I just keep thinking about the years leading up to this. It was normal to see Michael working on a car or a semi. He would paint, fix things around the house, carry heavy objects etc. Now, when I look at him, I know that he may never be able to do some of those things again. I know that these things are what men typically do. It makes me wonder what could happen to Michael emotionally or mentally if he cannot regain more use from his right side. To look at him, most people wouldnt think he was hurt as bad as he is. Like the average man, he tries to hide his pain….even from his own family.
I do not know what the future holds. It will be revealed with time. All I can say is what I know in the present. The present looks very dark. The laughter in our home has been replaced with stress, great financial hardship, pain, and tears. The tears that fall like rain.