Sometimes life hits you in ways that you could not ever imagine. In the past year, Ive gotta admit that Ive been hit pretty hard….and from unexpected directions. I think I have finally learned to quit asking “Whats next?”. After facing a year of deaths, betrayal, theft, job loss, leaving my home, moving to another state, divided family, unexpected revelations, accidents, sickness, and financial troubles, I am about at my wits end! Here I am still sick, still struggling spiritually, and still taking the hits of life.
Given all of the things that have happened, I have fallen away from God. Yes, I realize that is an excuse, but I do believe that God knows me well enough to know that one day I will find my way back. Knowing my stubborn nature, it may take me a while to get back. I do not exactly think rationally, especially at times of high stress. I tend to go “wacky” and make snap decisions. This usually leads to trouble in one way or another. A classic case of someone being their own worst enemy…..yep that’s me.
On the positive side, I have gained a little more control over certain areas of my life. I no longer feel as if my every move is being watched. I make the decisions and handle the situations concerning my husband and children with no interference from anyone else. I keep my home clean, clothes washed, husband and children fed, handle all Dr appointments, school meetings, and financial situations. I even managed to gain back up to 110 pounds. In a lot of ways, I feel as if I have gotten my life back.
When looking at everything that has happened, I keep wondering how I have made it this far without completely losing my mind. I felt, quite often, as if I was completely alone in dealing with everything. Somebody had to be guiding me along somewhere. The reason that I know this is because when left to my own devices, under these circumstances, I would have ended up committed to a mental institution , arrested, or divorced. This is not including the foul language, violence, and potential bodily harm that I very well could have (and quite often wanted to) afflict onto others. There is only one explanation…..I was NOT alone!
While I realize that life isnt a bed a roses, I deeply hope to find peace again soon. I feel as if I am about to lose my mind….whats left of it. Perhaps Ive been trying so hard to reclaim control of my life that I have pushed away the peace that I had once found. Perhaps all of this has happened to show me that I CAN handle more than I ever thought possible. Perhaps I have to weather this storm to see the silver lining later. I just keep remembering Ecclesiastes Ch 3…….
TO EVERYTHING THERE IS A SEASON